February 7, 2009

Secret Desire of a Working Mom

Growing up, I had many dreams of different careers. I was planning on conquering the world. Having children really wasn't on my radar at that time. Don't get me wrong, I wanted children but not right away. I received my 4 year degree and immediately began working up the proverbial corporate ladder. I worked in the long term care field and quickly became burnt out emotionally and physically. To make matters worse, the pay wasn't that great.

I decided to go back to school. I have 3 relatives in the x-ray/ultrasound field. I decided that their jobs looked pretty interesting and the pay was really good. So in search of the all mighty dollar, I re-enrolled in school. I was taking classes that I would have never dreamed of taking in college the 1st time around. Chemistry and Anatomy are just not things that come naturally to me. But, with my long term goal of more money in mind I forged ahead.

There was an entrance exam to get into the Ultrasound Program. I studied my behind off for that test. They only accepted like 15 people into the program. I will never forget the day sitting in that auditorium filled with about 200 people thinking that I didn't have a shot of being 1 of the select 15. I had to wait about 2 weeks to get my score. I didn't make it! I was #4 on the waiting list. Ok, I could live with that. Many people drop out this high stress program.....so I thought I still had a chance. Another glimmer of hope was that your score would carry over to the next year...it could only get better and increase your chances. Problem was that, that year was the year they decided to change the entrance test. My score was now no good. I would have to start all over in a year.

It was at this moment in time that I was faced with a dilemma. Do I wait another year to retry....then two more years of school??? Or, do we try to buy/build a house and start our family. We ended up choosing house and family. We began building our home in the fall of 2003 and sweet Grace was born in December of 2004. With a brand new mortgage in hand, it was decided that I would need to work. I can't express how difficult it was to hand over my 6 week old baby to someone (granted it was family watching her) and go to work for 8 hours. But, I did it. And, I actually enjoyed working.

That particular company I worked for went out of business when Grace was 7 months old. I went on unemployment for 3 months. I was not officially a stay at home mom. I loved it but I also hated it. I got so bored during the day with no adult conversation. No tasks or project other than laundry and diapers. I didn't feel the worth. I wanted to find a job desperately. I did end up finding another job. To read more about that story click HERE.

I say all of that to simply say that I never really had the desire to be a stay at home mom. I love being a working mom. That is until just about a month ago. I began having these secret longings to be a better mom and wife.
I want to be the mom who has a warm home cooked meal on the table for her family when they get home in the evening.
I want to be the mom who volunteers for the Valentine's Party at school.
I want to be the mom who wants to be beautiful and put together for her husband.
I want to be more feminine (not that I'm butch LOL).
I want to be the mom who has the time to take her kids on outings in the summer. I want to be the mom who does crafts with her children.
I want life to slow down!

Believe me, this isn't an easy assignment. I don't particularly love doing laundry or cooking every night. And as I stated earlier, staying home wasn't easy for me. I have just been praying to the Lord that he will help give me joy in doing these things for my family. I pray that he will continue to bless my online ventures, so that I would be able to stay home and become the wife and mother I've been desiring to be. So say a prayer for me as you read this. Pray for the desire to find joy in these areas. Pray that my online "businesses" will be blessed in abundance (because unfortunately there is a little thing called a mortgage involved).

Being a wife and mother are the 2 most important things in my life. I want to do them to the very best of my ability!




3 comments:

  1. i'll be praying lacie....these struggles you mentioned are at the forefront of so many minds! just rest in the fact that i'm sure you are doing a great job balancing it all...and the lord will always provide for your needs!

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  2. I can totally understand your longings. I too have those longings and I'm considered a SAHM (even though I spend most of my days running here and there and everywhere in between). Hope your online ventures can bring you to where you want to be.

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  3. I've always been carrier focused but now I would give anything to stay home and play with my baby girl.

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